TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally from put. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let us have One more spot the place American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer you All people a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump Trump Tower Damascus shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It can be that he should really cease working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a element currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following getting the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "the place's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting interest from Worldwide buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have flip-down support."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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